Happy Easter

It is a happy one for me. I thoroughly enjoyed playing the Easter bunny and hiding eggs all over the head for my little one. Went on a little last minute shopping last night to find some plastic eggs, and of course, i couldn't find any. What i did find, however, was little plastic soccer balls and baseballs. Perfect!!! Add hershey kisses to a few and strategically hide them around the house. He still hasn't found all of them, one is still on the loose. I hid his basket in the shower. After the egg hunt, I gave him some clues and he ran straight to the shower. The happy squeal he let out is worth every moment of scolding and misbehavior ever. Pure joy and excitement, he was so excited. And, so was I. I felt like a kid. Then we went through the contents of his basket, which looked more like what you'd find under the Christmas tree. A little wooden model submarine and airplane, silly putty, a big pack of 48 crayons, (ok, that was more for me, i love the shape of that box! he even let me open them and color with them first!!!! great kid, eh?), dry-erase markers, tape (oh my gosh, that kid LOVES tape, he loves to wrap his toys as presents and give them to me. he uses ribbon and everything. he will majorly impress the chicks when he gets older, he's such a love), and what else, a jumprope with carrot handles, and a dart gun with sticky things on the end. That was so cool. I also got him big dry erase board which is still wrapped and a wooden tonka model boat. He's been building boats and stuff for the past few weeks out of whatever he can find, so I thought he'd enjoy a model. We shall see. That may be too structured for him, and it's not nearly as creative, which is what he is exploring, but i want him to see that models are an option should he choose it. I got the dry erase board because whenever he comes to my classroom, he writes and writes on it, and i love playing on it too, so we can enjoy it together at home. My son is feeling better, thank God. His fever broke yesterday and his dots are fading. I'm going to clean my closet and kitchen drawers today.
I feel good today. I am so blessed.

chicken pox, no feathers

poor baby ethan, chicken pox are all over him. they are little, but boy are they many! he's not itchy yet? perhaps due to benadryl.
happy reports::: got hair done, looks nice; made lots of autism awareness pins and keychains today, not the beaded ones, the paper ones in plastic circles from the craft store; dogs are great; excited about going to Niagara Falls; feel good spring energy; i have my senses; heard great music today; my son is hugging me right now; i am very content.
i am also full of spring cleaning energy, i want to rearrange and stuff again. ugh. i guess that's like my fulfillment of all of this high energy. phone's ringin....

passing

she has gone to God. Fozz is no longer hurting here. well, she didn't act as if she had been in a lot of pain, so that's good.

Ethan has chicken pox. No feathers yet. hee hee.

It's raining. The dogs are by my feet, i am drinking a good cup of decaf.
I am chilly. Must get something cozy.
Ok, better now. Much warmer.

I can't believe i'm even bringing it up, but what is with this Terri Schiavo case?
I ran across a site today that demonizes the husband....but i never know what to
believe. I feel so sorry for her family, her parents. This is such an extreme thing
to deal with, especially in the spotlight.

Cheers and blessings...

poor hamster

Fozzles the hamster is hanging on for some reason. she can't move, and she is taking slow breaths. ethan and i cried this morning as i held her in a towel. she has a infection/growth near her tail which is originally internal i believe. meaning intestinal or urological. poor little Fozz. we will miss her so much. she was fun to play with and the dogs were even nice to her. ethan said we will buy her a flower and give her a heart flower after we bury her. that was hard to explain, the burial. but he understood the best he could, he's so sweet.
God bless Fozzles.

jeep therapy

oh, oh oh!!!! wheeeee! mmmmmm!
it feels soooo good to drive with the top off again. 70 degrees, my awesome
son with me, our remote control toys......oh yeah. he got 2 RC toys for his birthday, one, a topless yellow jeep rubi, and a turbo monster batmobile. we had fun at the park! we took them on little trails and offroaded them.
jeeps are really therapeutic. really. and my stereo kicks with the top off.
listening to jamiroquai, sun shinin, my son beeboppin his head. life is good.
deep funk removal day.
i love it.
now i would just like some nice human touch, a snuggle perhaps. soul dancin? anyone?

saddness

owe federal taxes.
the hamster is dying.

watching suze. she is quite cool.
remembering the good things.
bless little fozzles.

saturday

ethan's party was awesome. he had so much fun and his friends had a ball. i made a great connection with the owner. she said that she'd offer her space for the autism society to meet, free of charge. what's more, she offered me a key. can you believe that? she had mentioned that she allowed one group to do that and when i told her what i was doing, she just offered. that is so classy.
vacuumed jeep, leaf-blowed/blew the yard. played with ethan with some of his new toys. he's watching spacecamp again. we love that movie. i love the black jeep in the beginning. nice and topless...mmmm.....such excitement.
biting my nails too much.
trying to analyze things that haven't happened yet. that's a sure sign that i think too much. i suppose it's just analysis of choices and possible outcomes. that's the 'what if' syndrome that i can never get away from. i'm afraid if i do, then i will just be complacent and i don't know what that is like. but what if i like it? then what.
i love pearl jam. or do i love the feelings i get when i hear them, from the memories of time gone by, what was going on in my life when i first heard the song. what is it that i like about music?
i can't stop fantasizing about jacking up my yellow jeep. it's such a strong want. i really try not to talk about it too much for fear of being looked at funny for yet another thing. that and i don't have a lot of people who care to hear about my desires over and over. so i talk to ethan about it. he loves talking about big tires and lift kits. he can spot a lifted vehicle a mile away. he's awesome.
random thought/blip of energy-
there are relationships for different reasons. not every relationship is meant to be defined.
yes? no?

definitions

how do i get past definitions? of everything. words, perceptions. i am defined by most. my actions are defined. are relationships? but define relationship? a connection or association. ok. so what. why do some relationships cause so many problems for other relationships? is it expectations? desire? demand? survival?

more later.

good movies

Last night I watched, on purpose, "Under the Tuscan Sun." I liked it a lot. Made me want to move to some foreign country and start over. I actually watched the whole movie. I think i'm starting to like movies more. it's a nice escape.
Today Ethan and I watched Spacecamp. I sure do love that movie, we had fun together watching it. Picked him up early from school....needed some Ethantime. we had a bit of a rough morning.
as i walked around the halls at school today, i started remembering things that worried me as a child. moving large things in front of others was something that always made me squeamish. like if i had to carry something big or push a cart around. i would fret so much at the thought of dropping something, falling, or embarrassing myself. what a spaz i am. how do people put up with me. honestly i am getting tired of myself. even reading over my own blog i am bored with her.

what would i have done?

if i had a blog in college. what would i have done? written less in my beautiful paper journals?
what if the coffee shop had wireless internet? ooh some of our topics of conversation would have had answers, if google had been there. kinda takes the romanticism of wonder away, though. i do enjoy my wonderings.
perhaps a few years ago would have been a good time to blog, i had much more to say about more things back then, since i was less educated in life and experience. seems the older i get and the more i experience, the less commentary i have. suppose that's good. things are what they are.
i do really want to talk a lot when i meet new people. especially if there are a lot of things in common. or obsure similarities....i am open when i feel like someone is interested. and they don't know me at all. then i feel very free. sometimes. other times a mood just strikes me and i'm talking way too much about my thoughts, which may or may not be consistent with anything.

5

it is my love's 5th birthday. i woke him up kissing his cheeks singing softly to him. he woke up smiling and so excited. 'look mom! i can jump higher!'
i love my son. he is my little light.

me, run?

so i decided to take the dogs for a walk, second time in a week- believe it or not. out the back door, ran around the house up to the street with them, and kept on running. well, not running like running for my life, but certainly not walking. not even jogging. longer strides than jogging. but i did it. for a little bit. then i thought my chest was going to burn up. not coughing, not short of breath, but fire from hell placed in my lungs. so i breathed it out and when it went away, i felt like doing it again. i don't understand this. but i did it anyways....felt good when i got home. had a little rush, much needed considering the state of my mind lately. maybe i'll do it again. maybe not.

clean house

as i walk down the halls at school, going to pick up a kid or two, i wonder sometimes: if i just stopped living like this, picked up and left, forgot all about what is going on, started over, what would happen. it seems as if i am being forgotten, and i think that is what makes me saddest. i am stuck and alone. even in my own home. forgotten. i just take up space. i clean up the messes.
just an old hag i am.
i guess if i stay then i'm just allowing it, facilitating it even. making it happen.

dreary beautiful morning

clouds and fog. not too cold, no coat. sweater and scarf.
read a lot of blogs last night, glad to know i'm not the only one out there with an overactive mind. i knew that anyways, but still, it's refreshing to see some evidence.
i would like to know something that i already don't know. i keep getting snippets and blurbs from people telling me things i already know. i am in the market for learning something i don't already know or have skills at.
i know that i should keep my chin up, keep my focus, energy blah blah.
i know i should be happy, and I AM HAPPY. i am just not so content with the state of my happiness. there are degrees. i love life, the little things, the big things, the problems, the questions, the lack of answers, the need for trust and faith. that's all good. i suppose i'm just looking for something that is not available. i know God and all and we chat a lot, maybe i'm just hitting a wall with all of the relationships i have.
it's simply a sign to stop? end? i don't feel like i'm creating a wall. i feel quite open. this is the point where my coping resources seem to essentially fail me. high expectations, vast dreams, darn idealism. oh well.
guess i'll go read some more blogs. immerse myself in the joys and thoughts of others.

xoxo

choices

oh boy. that school was the nicest one i've visited in some time. a lot of parents were there and their kids played with ethan. i really liked the billy goats. ethan and i fit in. i would love to teach there. i put in an application to chatham and chapel hill schools, just in case.

sometimes i listen to people and don't feel like i am understanding exactly what they are trying to communicate. sometimes i do.

off to update the resume. aye aye aye.

am dreaming of fresh starts and new beginnings. maybe i could live in chapel hill after all. good college, lots of jobs. fresh ideas, old money.

oh i wish i could be in asheville right now. sipping something warm with someone warm. having a moment of life that truly feels alive. not that i don't feel alive right now, mind you.

(><)

drastic intimacy

it started a little after 10 this morning in the kitchen, something unfamiliar to me made its way to my ears. i made my way to find out the source......it beckoned me to search further inside. deep breath. eyes closed. go.
i allowed my hand to explore this mysterious space unknown to my body. textures
never felt before, my shaky hand continued. smoothness, movement. i wanted to remove my hand.
i couldn't stop. there was a reason.
incurable curiosity, a curse of mine, coupled with my strong will and drive, prompted me to
maneuver in this small space.
the clues, the answer. i am forever changed.
&&&&
&&&&&
&&&&&&&

********popcorn kernels in the garbage disposal. eeeeeww!!!!!!*********
overactive mind, underpleasured body.

much better

goodness. i had some kind of flu yesterday. my entire body felt assaulted in one way or another. bodyaches are not fun. at one point between sleep and being awake, i imagined myself as a body of paper, then cutting off all pain and amounting only to a little grain of light. i didn't want to take it too far, because you never know what the mind is capable of, so i made myself wake up and make sure the body was still there....then laughed at myself. then reflected on my mind totally composing a little blip of light, thinking that it's entirely possible. maybe i was a firefly or something, a gnat. me, a bug. nah. didn't have wings, i just occupied light. helped me get my mind off of bodyaches anyways.
today i'm taking Ethan to a school in Pittsboro for open house. it's Community Independent School. maybe i could teach there too. wouldn't that be nice. ya never know. www.cisnc.com

feeling lonely lately. i suppose it's a good thing. i'll try to enjoy it.

people get busy, things happen, life goes on.

well, everybody that i love knows it.

year

one year ago tonight, my spirit was seen. at least i felt that way.
i miss that night. i would like to do it again.

infinity

she had an infinity pendant around her neck. the girl at the camp. i was floored. that's my sign.
that and the ankh....
i'm giddy with my soul!

to be with you

i love the band U2. everytime i hear them on the radio, it's like a life bonus. i get so much from their music, can't explain it. the music, sometimes the lyrics, but the spirit. i feel the energy of their passions. intoxicating if i'm in the right mood. i want to go to their concert very badly. i imagine myself just laying there taking it all in, sucking up the energy and bouncing it back tenfold.

then someone comes in and starts talking about paperwork. ugh.

swirls

what a day. i've been so busy with so many things. my mind is happily occupied by new things. i think i'm the type of person that needs a 'new' thing to deal with every so often. not that i'm bored, but my inspirations come most when new things are happening. it's a good high, but not too high.

mood lifter

what a decent day. i hesitate to say good or wonderful. decent will suffice. i have to clean the house now. i need a house that has hardwood floors please. would also like to be more organized. i am not in the mood to reflect yet.

am i cool now?

I'm the President of the Autism Society of NC Lee Harnett Chapter.
Does that make me cool? I feel kinda cool. Pretty darn excited.
More responsibilities. Oooooh.

migraines

boy they suck. it started last night, i thought my neck was just sore from the yardwork...but no. it was a little monster brewing. by noon today i had a full-fledged migraine, the 4 tylenol didn't even touch it. so i picked up my son and headed home fast, because i was so queasy....i knew what was next. my darling boy sat in bed with me and played, watched movies, and ate snacks all afternoon. he periodically rubbed my cheek, kissed my forehead, told me he loved me, and covered me up and called me 'so cute.' what have i done to deserve such love? he's building a rocket right now, with odds and ends from around the house, he is so good at it. the last rocket was awesome and even had a wick for lighting.
i just can't believe how rotten i felt today, it was the worst headache i can remember since 3rd grade. i hate throwing up when there is absolutely nothing in the tummy. it hurts so bad, i feel like i did 475984798 crunches. my abs better be flat tomorrow!
i have an orthodontist appointment tomorrow! so excited. also have autism group meeting, going to find out the job descrip. for president. it might be me!!! can't remember if i've ever been president of anything.
excedrin migraine works. i love it. i can sit up and turn my head now. i can keep my eyes open and read. oh the wonders of excedrin.
i just can't stand headaches. but it's gone now, thank God.
it's funny when your head's in the bowl and your dogs come up from behind you and put a paw on you. dober put her head on my leg....such an empathic pup.
i love my dogs. maggie is almost 9! i got her when i was a junior at Geneseo. 1996. my ____ at the time had just brought Skippy the amish (or mennonite?) beagle home. and i went to the pet store to buy him treats, and there was a most precious little mini beagle pup there, looking at me. i picked her up. loved her, put her down. she was $$$. i went home, told him about her, and he said, you know you want her, go get her. so i did. put some cash down and paid the man weekly for awhile. i had to rescue little maggie. she was 3.5 pounds when i got her. fit in my hands. had to take her with me everywhere for awhile because she didn't like to be alone...even with Skippy. i had mags with me on my 21st birthday, when everyone tried to make me do shots and all i wanted to do was hang out with friends and drink coffee and smoke. i hate shots.
better go before i wax on too deeply.

seasons

it is so nice to hear from old friends. having friends from younger years is such a treasure.

tired of it

i am so bloody sick and fricken tired of cleaning up after other people. i can't stand it. i clean the fricken house and someone comes along and makes food and then there's fricken crumbs all over the place. the floor, the counter, the fridge. how fucking difficult is it to clean up after making food? i mean, come on. this is ridiculous. this is what happens when you don't go to kindergarten.
once in a while is no biggie, i'm talking about several times per day. i am giving up.

old movies

i love watching movies that i saw as a kid. romancing the stone is such a fine movie. i remember watching it the night of my Uncle Alan's funeral. i was at a friend of the family's house and we ate popcorn and i felt crappy because i had just watched my mom and grandma cry all day. but the movie is good. the crocodile just bit off the general's hand. ha.
his bloody stump is squirting blood. eeew. he is writhing in pain and just drooled. yuck! now he just lit a cigar and is going to try to fight again. silly.

good morning to you.

practicing calm today.

bad dream

bad dream last night. woke up still very upset. i don't think dreams are meaningless. this one bothers me. what does it mean. does it mean that i have interpreted something wrong? is it a premonition? what the hell does it mean.
it was not about anyone getting hurt physically or anything. it was just an assault on my
'way things are' process of thinking.
grrrrr.

less

today, i tried hard to think less. a real conscious effort to not analyze things. to not think about the things i've been thinking about for a long time. damn it, i feel great. do you believe that?
i am getting more flexible with the yoga. and my breathing has truly improved.

i wonder if i'm simply a distant memory. i feel as such.

feeling rather uninspired. my fingers are like weights on my keyboard. endless typing to a world that may or may not know me. dare i say, most do not. and will not. and probably don't want to. ok then. resolution.

affirmation. i have to live with myself, so i might as well turn into someone i like.
i read today- "live from your heart, you will be absolutely effective" Yogi Bhajan. i like this a lot.
www.yogitea.com the bottom of the page has a quote that changes every time you hit refresh. a lot of those quotes have been in the tea bags as well...on the paper part that you hold when you dip the bag.... i've been loving the ginger teas, plain, lemon, and raspberry.

peace and love to anyone reading this............................especially you.

dreaming

dreaming of better days ahead. joy is waiting.

breathe

just breathe.
the entire issue is that of analysis.
if i stop analyzing, then all will be well. not to say that it isn't well now, however, it is available to be 'more well' if and when i stop thinking about it. whatever 'it' is at the moment.
i'm so excited to go home. i can't wait to have coffee at the Orange Cat again. i feel good there.
i feel great there. i feel open there. i need a place like that here. i have been to the Pittsboro General Store a couple times, but i haven't had 'that' feeling there. yet.
http://www.generalstorecafe.com/home.html
the asparagus quiche was pretty good, the chicken soup that Ethan had was great.

i miss my best friend. *sigh*

i am so excited about going to the orthodontist. i have wanted a straight set for sooooo long. perhaps i'll have one soon. then i'll definately smile soooo much more. i smiled a lot today, the way i walked was smiley. my hair moved with a smile. it's getting long. i'm loving it.
i want braids and pigtails and ponytails and pretty hair.

i may have walked into (or been led into) a nice opportunity. the local autism society group needs a president. the woman i've been asking about meetings is going to get me some info and a 'job' description. this could be very cool. i hope i don't chicken out. i have quite a beak.

dermatologist called. baby mole was fine. i was a little nervous. but now i'm not. not about moles anyways.

where do phobias come from? can i make myself phobic about something? i realize i could just go google it, but i sometimes like to wonder. does that make me wonderful? hee hee. kidding.

billy goats gruff

just returned home from a kindergarten performance of the 3 Billy Goats Gruff. it was quite beautiful, and the troll stole the show. with his little miked voice and w/r substitutions, he truly gave his best. improvisation from a person so young is quite worthy of a call to hollywood. he came out to scare the audience, he was keenly aware of his hit-ness.

along came tuesday. i wonder sometimes if it's ok to want what you can't have. i mean, no possibility whatsoever. not even a...well if this and this happens, then yes, i can have it. guess that's what dreamin is. i gotta quit dreamin. but then that's death? isn't it? a type of death anyways.

i need to be more content with what i have. i asked my mom if i ever seemed content. she said no. i've always wanted to excel and surpass expectations. so now, i don't feel as if i am excelling at anything, and that's why i'm so prone to negativity. she said i never sat still, either. go figure.

i need a big hug.
a massage would be nice.

i'd really like to jack-up my jeep. oh so badly i want it big and full of potential.

shrek is on.
donkey is such a funny one.

i'm rambling. it's what i do. ask anyone that knows me. sometimes i'll go on and on and they'll be looking around like when the hell is she going to shut up.
i'll go.