i got a cold today at precisely1:55pm. i felt the antagonist invade the upper left tonsil and plant it's friends into the crypts to breed. was it the girl who sneezed all over my face yesterday or the second grade teacher assistant who talked near me about the 'bug' going around her class. hmmm. anyways, turmeric and salt water to the rescue, along with sleep. sweetest dreams.
i have more but my body needs sleep.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
music taste
i'm a nerd.
Your Taste in Music: |
| Classic Rock: High Influence |
| 80's Alternative: Medium Influence |
| 90's Alternative: Medium Influence |
| Adult Alternative: Medium Influence |
| Progressive Rock: Medium Influence |
| 80's Pop: Low Influence |
| 80's R&B: Low Influence |
| Hair Bands: Low Influence |
| Old School Hip Hop: Low Influence |
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
trying the friday feast thing, forgive me.
though i do not like the word 'feaster" as it appears on the friday feast blog.' it really bothers me all the way down to my arches.
made my glutes tight as well.
Appetizer:Name something that helps you fall asleep.
sex is my first thought, but since i don't get any of that really, i must say just being really tired. often from staring at my computer researching things and trying to learn about things.
Soup:Who brings out the best in you?
tough. there are different 'bests' of me. very different. my best friend from college brings out the ideal idealist that loves to play and wishes composed the majority of my days and nights. she never ever made me feel wierd about myself or self-conscious. even though i can't ever hold anyone else responsible for making me feel anything, she prompted me to be gentle with myself. she always listened and reflected perfectly. we really gelled. i miss her.
My kids that i work with bring out the humanitarian in me, i get teary at least daily about the lives of my students and the work i do to raise awareness in others of the concept of individuality in children and how it is ok and to be celebrated.
Salad:What do you like to do on a rainy day?
a little puddle jumping, a little romp in an unmade bed, dessert in a hot tub....sit by a tree and absorb...usually anything but drive.
Main Course
Complete this sentence: In our home, we never have enough...
time to clean. a deep dirty secret, i want it clean. i want it clean all the time because i feel like i can think better. big internal mental scam i have on myself and wish to explode. don't hold this against me anyone, ok?
really...foodwise....creamer, parmesan, or popcorn. and munchies. i don't buy them. will do a DQ run if PMS-y.
dessert:Which shoe do you put on first?
left. almost always.
hee hee hee. that was fun. i want more. more more more!!!!!!!
made my glutes tight as well.
Appetizer:Name something that helps you fall asleep.
sex is my first thought, but since i don't get any of that really, i must say just being really tired. often from staring at my computer researching things and trying to learn about things.
Soup:Who brings out the best in you?
tough. there are different 'bests' of me. very different. my best friend from college brings out the ideal idealist that loves to play and wishes composed the majority of my days and nights. she never ever made me feel wierd about myself or self-conscious. even though i can't ever hold anyone else responsible for making me feel anything, she prompted me to be gentle with myself. she always listened and reflected perfectly. we really gelled. i miss her.
My kids that i work with bring out the humanitarian in me, i get teary at least daily about the lives of my students and the work i do to raise awareness in others of the concept of individuality in children and how it is ok and to be celebrated.
Salad:What do you like to do on a rainy day?
a little puddle jumping, a little romp in an unmade bed, dessert in a hot tub....sit by a tree and absorb...usually anything but drive.
Main Course
Complete this sentence: In our home, we never have enough...
time to clean. a deep dirty secret, i want it clean. i want it clean all the time because i feel like i can think better. big internal mental scam i have on myself and wish to explode. don't hold this against me anyone, ok?
really...foodwise....creamer, parmesan, or popcorn. and munchies. i don't buy them. will do a DQ run if PMS-y.
dessert:Which shoe do you put on first?
left. almost always.
hee hee hee. that was fun. i want more. more more more!!!!!!!
i just hate it
i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it.
i hate indeciciveness and indecision and vacillating. it fricking tires me out. what the ____ is my problem???
there. i feel much better. i am at a hormonal point. just wanting to forget all of the work i've done and perhaps just work and come home and do nothing. no more research, no more thinking, no more wondering and trying to 'make it better.' what a joke. i mean, come on. what the hell am i going to do. little me. no comments about how one person can make a difference, because i'm not talking about with people, i'm talking about institutions. blah blah blah.
my dog is breathing hard again. i hate thinking she might not make it. she looks at me like she is feeling sorry for me, like she feels my guilt for her health. eh. whateva.
i hate indeciciveness and indecision and vacillating. it fricking tires me out. what the ____ is my problem???
there. i feel much better. i am at a hormonal point. just wanting to forget all of the work i've done and perhaps just work and come home and do nothing. no more research, no more thinking, no more wondering and trying to 'make it better.' what a joke. i mean, come on. what the hell am i going to do. little me. no comments about how one person can make a difference, because i'm not talking about with people, i'm talking about institutions. blah blah blah.
my dog is breathing hard again. i hate thinking she might not make it. she looks at me like she is feeling sorry for me, like she feels my guilt for her health. eh. whateva.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
more maggie news
oh boy. my poor, sweet, mags. last night she started this shortness of breath thing, almost to a pant by midnight. had to take her to the vet at 1am. only thing, my lovely town does not have a vet that has emergency hours. out of like 5 or 6 vet offices, can you believe it? so we took her to Cary, 35-20 minutes north, where we got her stitches a year or two ago when she got attacked by a big dog.
she was in heart failure, i knew it. they kept her overnight for oxygen therapy, they had a tube in her nose. they gave her some stuff to help the fluid out of her lungs. got home at 4am. drove back up at 10 to pick her up, she's doing better, she's stable, but she needs to be on meds and closely monitored. i did sign a DNR for her last night, i figured if she wasn't responding to all that they were doing, then i didn't want to force her body to go on if she was too tired. but she stabalized with minimal treatments, so i am so very happy. i am also very tired.
i love my maggie dog, she was very happy to see me this morning. as long as she's comfortable, i'm ok. she has given me 9 great years.
making bracelets......remind me not to do this again, unless i'm making the profits for vet bills!
hee hee.
she was in heart failure, i knew it. they kept her overnight for oxygen therapy, they had a tube in her nose. they gave her some stuff to help the fluid out of her lungs. got home at 4am. drove back up at 10 to pick her up, she's doing better, she's stable, but she needs to be on meds and closely monitored. i did sign a DNR for her last night, i figured if she wasn't responding to all that they were doing, then i didn't want to force her body to go on if she was too tired. but she stabalized with minimal treatments, so i am so very happy. i am also very tired.
i love my maggie dog, she was very happy to see me this morning. as long as she's comfortable, i'm ok. she has given me 9 great years.
making bracelets......remind me not to do this again, unless i'm making the profits for vet bills!
hee hee.
Saturday, April 16, 2005
Friday, April 15, 2005
so many things
oh so many errands to run, things to do. about 20 people have ordered my bracelets and key chains so far. they are quite pretty, i must say, however, they are just beads from the craft store strung on a string and tied off. anyone can make it. but i am flattered nonetheless.
i get to wear jeans to school today. funny how such a simple attire change can encourage a simple attitude change. jeans make me happy because in this particular pair, i don't think i look as hippy. not the psychedelic hippy, no no no. i don't really mind that hippy look from time to time, and i do get those moods as well. what a fun brain i have sometimes, i woke up an hour early, went back to bed, woke up again from a dream about highschool. but a teacher from my school was there. anyways. off to ready my jeans wearing self for school.
i get to wear jeans to school today. funny how such a simple attire change can encourage a simple attitude change. jeans make me happy because in this particular pair, i don't think i look as hippy. not the psychedelic hippy, no no no. i don't really mind that hippy look from time to time, and i do get those moods as well. what a fun brain i have sometimes, i woke up an hour early, went back to bed, woke up again from a dream about highschool. but a teacher from my school was there. anyways. off to ready my jeans wearing self for school.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
the hammock in my mind. /personal
oh. sigh. it feels so good to swing slowly in this hammock in my mind. i do a lot of thinking here, usually to some memory music. i'll hear a tune, usually from a summer, and go lay down, feel the warm breeze, and just let the thoughts out to play. tonight i started with regrets. i usually don't have those, but the regrets are not because of an action, but inaction. maybe it's the mindfucking i give myself on occasion. sometimes i think things are one way with a person, but in reality concerning the other party, they may be quite different. or is it the other party hiding true feelings. i am confident of my right-ness. or is it just a fantasy? relationships are so fascinating to me. i usually act how i feel. pretty much my heart on my sleeve, good or bad. the intensity of my feelings are too much to hide inside. they emerge one way or another. pieces of different puzzles come at me without warning. and i'm not sure i'm interpreting them properly. now i know why i don't watch a lot of movies or read a lot of fiction.
my oh my i'm having so many feelings run through me right now. it's almost tickling me.
and music brings it on the most. sometimes i think of someone or something and become convinced that that person is thinking of it too. like it's impossible to be alone. maybe it's wishful thinking? maybe i should switch to no thinking. i'm thinking i shouldn't post this. it's obnoxious to think that someone is thinking of me at the same time i'm thinking of them. anyone. nobody in particular.
it's very cold here. i want my spring back please. my plants are shivering, and my tree doesn't like this chilly chilly rain. maybe it's nicer outside than it is under my desk where my feet are freezing. going to make some bracelets.
and think and think and think.
my oh my i'm having so many feelings run through me right now. it's almost tickling me.
and music brings it on the most. sometimes i think of someone or something and become convinced that that person is thinking of it too. like it's impossible to be alone. maybe it's wishful thinking? maybe i should switch to no thinking. i'm thinking i shouldn't post this. it's obnoxious to think that someone is thinking of me at the same time i'm thinking of them. anyone. nobody in particular.
it's very cold here. i want my spring back please. my plants are shivering, and my tree doesn't like this chilly chilly rain. maybe it's nicer outside than it is under my desk where my feet are freezing. going to make some bracelets.
and think and think and think.
Monday, April 11, 2005
logo
time to design my logo. well, this is quite a challenge for me since i've not yet designed a logo for actual business use. i can see it in my head. i just have to somehow get it on my computer. just thinking of it makes my head spin. i might need to go buy software or something.
got a lot done today. crossed off a lot on the to-do list. that felt good. now i need to work on the letter of my business announcement. i made a call today to get the word out a little and have the developmental disabilities program in my town keep a heads up for my letter. she smiled on the phone, i could hear it.
had the top off the jeep today, and drove past another jeeper with the top down, and all four of our hands extended vertically simultaneously as we passed each other. it was great. and U2 was on the radio. i feel like such a kid when my jeep is topless. giddy even. sometimes i wish it had the strength of a sports car. sheepishly grinning. i love that speed sometimes. mmmm.
making bracelets for our fundraiser, they are coming along. writing letters. sending energy in one direction. it's working. one bad thing, i'm hypochondriac-ing out again. it sneaks up on me and just fucks with my head sometimes. bodies are not symmetric all over and internally. i just need to remind myself of that all day long.
i'm going to join my friend in some spring planting. will get dirt and stuff tomorrow or wednesday. what should i plant? i want to do veggies. perhaps yellow squash. i don't eat a lot of tomatoes, however, if i grew them, i'd probably munch on them often. green beans possible?
time to work.
xo
got a lot done today. crossed off a lot on the to-do list. that felt good. now i need to work on the letter of my business announcement. i made a call today to get the word out a little and have the developmental disabilities program in my town keep a heads up for my letter. she smiled on the phone, i could hear it.
had the top off the jeep today, and drove past another jeeper with the top down, and all four of our hands extended vertically simultaneously as we passed each other. it was great. and U2 was on the radio. i feel like such a kid when my jeep is topless. giddy even. sometimes i wish it had the strength of a sports car. sheepishly grinning. i love that speed sometimes. mmmm.
making bracelets for our fundraiser, they are coming along. writing letters. sending energy in one direction. it's working. one bad thing, i'm hypochondriac-ing out again. it sneaks up on me and just fucks with my head sometimes. bodies are not symmetric all over and internally. i just need to remind myself of that all day long.
i'm going to join my friend in some spring planting. will get dirt and stuff tomorrow or wednesday. what should i plant? i want to do veggies. perhaps yellow squash. i don't eat a lot of tomatoes, however, if i grew them, i'd probably munch on them often. green beans possible?
time to work.
xo
Sunday, April 10, 2005
gardening
yesterday was great. got a lot of yard work done. going to plant a tree today. hopefully a crepe myrtle or a dogwood. depends on the $$$. mulch will be delivered monday, yippee! it's been a long time since the yard has been covered with good mulch. last year i did the bag mulch thing and that cost more than what i'm doing this year and all that floated away with the rain. grrr. so monday i'll be involved with 'mulch mountain.' that's what ethan called it last time we got a load dumped in the front yard, that was when he was 3!!! my yard looks so nice right now, monday it will have 'curb appeal' and i am all about that. my house has looked shabby lately because of the storms and wind and all that good stuff. leaves all around, sticks and branches speckling the driveway.
going to hang with my son today, follow our noses. shop a little. i don't have a lot of spring stuff to wear. i got rid of so much stuff last time i cleaned the closet, i'm left with 3 or 4 things i can wear to work. oops. bad timing for that.
i'm doing well on my 'not a diet' thing. i realized that i was eating too much because of emotions. i figured, i usually stress myself to death when i'm sad or depressed, so this time i thought i'd try eating. well, that sure did comfort me but the results are more visible than when i internalize things. so i just decided to stop that bad eating, though it was sooo good. now i'm back to eating better and exercizing again. just a kapha imbalance. my dogs are sure happy about it. not sure why i'm writing about this. anyways, off to start my day.
going to hang with my son today, follow our noses. shop a little. i don't have a lot of spring stuff to wear. i got rid of so much stuff last time i cleaned the closet, i'm left with 3 or 4 things i can wear to work. oops. bad timing for that.
i'm doing well on my 'not a diet' thing. i realized that i was eating too much because of emotions. i figured, i usually stress myself to death when i'm sad or depressed, so this time i thought i'd try eating. well, that sure did comfort me but the results are more visible than when i internalize things. so i just decided to stop that bad eating, though it was sooo good. now i'm back to eating better and exercizing again. just a kapha imbalance. my dogs are sure happy about it. not sure why i'm writing about this. anyways, off to start my day.
Saturday, April 09, 2005
maggie dog
oh what a silly day. started well, no complaints. maggie my beagle has been coughing a bit. i recall it's onset as about 3 weeks ago, happening after a big drink of water. i thought she might be aspirating a bit, she's 9 years old, and some older folks aspirate due to muscle weakness. well, last night the dog coughed and hacked so loudly, i woke up. got nervous, because she was in her bed and not drinking anything. so this morning she coughed and hacked and spewed some saliva, so i took her to the vet. well, of course, her shots were over due by 2 months, and they don't have a record of her heartworm med sales, and of course she has a heart murmur per the last visit's records. i enquired, did you do blood work to determine a bacterial infection? uh, no ma'am. i said, please check that first. then call me and scare me about dental work, x-rays, CT scans and the like. another call later with more dialogue about her heart murmur, i asked, well, did you do the bloodwork yet? no ma'am. i said, i'll pick her up at 3, do the bloody blood work please to see if she has an infection. sheesh. got there, no heartworm, heck, she didn't even cough while she was there, silly beagle. they did 5 x-rays, lotsa bloodwork, (NO INFECTION OR HEARTWORM,YAY!) and a 'senior' physical. $280. I about fell over. I get out of the doctors for less than that with some kind of procedure! They did diagnose her with an enlarged heart. i said, compared to what? we don't have any other x-rays as a baseline. do we have x-rays of other 9 year old beagle's hearts? nope. so, i said, she's been fine for her entire life. if she starts exhibiting symptoms of heart trouble, i'll call. i promised. anyhoo. the silly beagle has not coughed since i picked her up. maybe just being at the vet prompted some healing. poor pup, she really gave it to me when i picked her up. she ran to me, looked at me for a second or two, then started wailing about all of the rotten things that happened to her. i knew just what she was telling me, too. my poor mags. she's fine and dandy now. off to bed.
peace, love, and painlessness
peace, love, and painlessness
Thursday, April 07, 2005
extreme makeover
i just watched exterme makeover. the hook was a cleft lip surgery on an adult. his results made me cry. his whole life will change because of this. the gratitude. even a speech therapist helped him. wow. i really loved this show. lotsa warm fuzzies seeing the joy.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
cereal, braces, and the smell of dog
so i'm trying to get rid of the donuts that won't leave my hips. got on this little kick for comfort the past month. entenmanns donuts. not only the rich chocolate frosted ones that i put in the fridge, but the 'softee' ones in plain/powdered/cinnamon. goodness gracious, me oh my. what the heck was i thinking? it's almost swimsuit season! well, i quit eating them. and i only really loved the cinnamon and rich chocolate frosted. with a nice cup of java. mmmmmmmm.
so, cereal for breakie, lunch and then a decent dinner. and a slimfast or kbar for a snack. and water or something. bye bye fatass!!
ok. braces. about 5 grand. need 2 top teeth pulled. ouch. 30 months of braces. hmmm. thinking still. why not just pull the tooth that is giving me the grief? will call and ask that pertinent question tomorrow.
my dog just came in from outside. she smells like dog. not bad, not necessarily delish, but dog. glad she's in my life. her doggish smell is actually comforting. it's not yucky. not wetdog either. just dog and air. i have been putting lavander on them. said to repel fleas. or was that teatree and citrus oils? oops, better check again.
i love talking with Lora-Lia. she knows me. one of the few in this world who really knows me. i like that. i trust her with my thoughts, dreams, and ideas. and my sillies. she is very important to me and i am so lucky to have her in my life. we even differ politically, well, on the surface we appear to, but deep down, i believe we are more in agreement than disagreement.
ya know what's fun? asking soon to be kindergarteners if they are married. they giggle. it's pure joy.
so, cereal for breakie, lunch and then a decent dinner. and a slimfast or kbar for a snack. and water or something. bye bye fatass!!
ok. braces. about 5 grand. need 2 top teeth pulled. ouch. 30 months of braces. hmmm. thinking still. why not just pull the tooth that is giving me the grief? will call and ask that pertinent question tomorrow.
my dog just came in from outside. she smells like dog. not bad, not necessarily delish, but dog. glad she's in my life. her doggish smell is actually comforting. it's not yucky. not wetdog either. just dog and air. i have been putting lavander on them. said to repel fleas. or was that teatree and citrus oils? oops, better check again.
i love talking with Lora-Lia. she knows me. one of the few in this world who really knows me. i like that. i trust her with my thoughts, dreams, and ideas. and my sillies. she is very important to me and i am so lucky to have her in my life. we even differ politically, well, on the surface we appear to, but deep down, i believe we are more in agreement than disagreement.
ya know what's fun? asking soon to be kindergarteners if they are married. they giggle. it's pure joy.
Monday, April 04, 2005
sleep and more
woke up a lot last night, one of those lingering childhood issues i had about mondays. don't want to oversleep, small amount of dread about the ending of vacation and the grind ahead. not the good kind of grind, either. ah well.
Sunday, April 03, 2005
found it
it's St. Germain, Rose Rouge on the Tourist CD. on the way to me. too bad iTunes doesn't have it. oh well.
more soon.
joy!
more soon.
joy!
the song i want
ooh. upset a bit. the song i want from that movie is not on the soundtrack. can that be possible? the heartbeating, urgency, gottafindher, mad love song that made my blood flow fast is not on the soundtrack. it was jazzy, dark, sexy, fast, slow, hot, and slightly smoky. i thought i heard the faint vocals of tracy chapman. i will just go search her stuff. i like these missions. like discovering the mysterious crossword puzzle clues with a map.
during my massage last week, the lady told me that i had energy spinning clockwise around my ears. not bad by any means, in fact, she said it was good. i need to find out what that means.
allergy season has started for me, the first round of pollen has fallen and i felt it coming on yesterday. oh well, i hope it's not too bad. last year wasn't a problem that i can recall, but we didn't have any deep freezes or snow here this year, and maybe it has something to do with it, maybe not. i'm feeling so reflective, i must put my love to bed before i get on a roll.
peace.
during my massage last week, the lady told me that i had energy spinning clockwise around my ears. not bad by any means, in fact, she said it was good. i need to find out what that means.
allergy season has started for me, the first round of pollen has fallen and i felt it coming on yesterday. oh well, i hope it's not too bad. last year wasn't a problem that i can recall, but we didn't have any deep freezes or snow here this year, and maybe it has something to do with it, maybe not. i'm feeling so reflective, i must put my love to bed before i get on a roll.
peace.
Serendipity
What a great movie. That would have been me if I didn't call the next day. What a waste of several years that would have been.
I talked to the TV during that movie, something i don't do a lot, makes me laugh at myself. Telling Sarah to turn around and run, or telling Jonathan that it's not Sarah in the house with that blonde guy putting the undies on his head.
Two cups of java down, now what. Shower maybe? Going to look at houses today. Ethan and I. Found a little shanty down on the other side of town. Worth a little look. Time to prove to myself that I can live without nice things and furniture and cable and possibly the internet. Wow, that hurts a little bit, but hopefully I'll emerge a better person. I suck pretty bad right now, in the current state of things.
Time to go get the Serendipity soundtrack. Good chills.
xoxo
I talked to the TV during that movie, something i don't do a lot, makes me laugh at myself. Telling Sarah to turn around and run, or telling Jonathan that it's not Sarah in the house with that blonde guy putting the undies on his head.
Two cups of java down, now what. Shower maybe? Going to look at houses today. Ethan and I. Found a little shanty down on the other side of town. Worth a little look. Time to prove to myself that I can live without nice things and furniture and cable and possibly the internet. Wow, that hurts a little bit, but hopefully I'll emerge a better person. I suck pretty bad right now, in the current state of things.
Time to go get the Serendipity soundtrack. Good chills.
xoxo
Saturday, April 02, 2005
ahhhh.breathe again.
what a wonderful time at home. renewal of and refreshment of what i truly value.
'home is where you make it.'
that is true. very true. inspiring even.
i so badly want to be at home again, living and being. being able to have family
dinners and foster stronger bonds with my relatives and those i care for so deeply.
i have always felt that i'm an open book, easy to read, not much to me. i am, but only on the surface. i have realized that i'm not necessarily simple, and that things affect me more deeply than i've been able to admit. perhaps that was learned behavior, or behavior that i taught myself to be able to cope with the world. avoiding feelings and minimizing things so as to avoid pains.
my heart is beating and i feel as if i can breathe again.
'home is where you make it.'
that is true. very true. inspiring even.
i so badly want to be at home again, living and being. being able to have family
dinners and foster stronger bonds with my relatives and those i care for so deeply.
i have always felt that i'm an open book, easy to read, not much to me. i am, but only on the surface. i have realized that i'm not necessarily simple, and that things affect me more deeply than i've been able to admit. perhaps that was learned behavior, or behavior that i taught myself to be able to cope with the world. avoiding feelings and minimizing things so as to avoid pains.
my heart is beating and i feel as if i can breathe again.
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